The push I always need (disclaimer:personal disclosure)

So before I leave town, even for a week or so, I always get nervous about forgetting something. Even though when I return to Dallas I end up living as a minimalist, surviving simply on one or two outfits if I need, when I am here, I want to pack up my whole closet.

And now I'm even more worried that things I bought recently will soon lose their glamor as current fashion by the time I get back. And in all fairness, if that is the case, these are fads I can't afford to follow.

I did a few things today, including attending a hilarious christmas party at Coldtowne Theater, and bought a California Raisins shirt! My first one!

But I find myself anxious and moving again, needing to get out of here, out of anywhere. Which led me to ask myself the question:

When was the last time I was just content? I can't even remember.

I hoped that this feeling would be fleeting, and that I just feel trapped in any place I have any semi-permanent ties to for more than six months. But slowly, I am starting to see that I might have this feeling anywhere I go, and no place may ever feel like home.

So then, if I don't find home in a place, what is my home? And why haven't I had one in so long?

Anyone who knows me knows I can be a flake. I try so hard not to be, and I really love my friends and people I live with. I guess I just double book my entire life, and I can only handle a few things at a time before I meltdown, and that has been a problem lately. I recently came to the conclusion that I act this way because I used to be so withdrawn from people just a few years ago, when I came here and decided to change and smile at people, I wanted to finally have people in my corner.

But at the end of the day, I just feel so emotionally drained, that all I want to do is quietly sit in my room and read and write.

I also recently came to the conclusion that I sell myself short every day. In almost every aspect of my life, I am still comparing myself to my high school personality, and how i was treated back when I wore Paul Frank t-shirts 24/7 and shoplifted from Hot Topic habitually. But I am a world of difference from her now. But like psychology states, self reference is slow to change.

All I can do is look to the sky, and hope that one day, there will be something or someone that will make me feel safe and sound again, and not have me constantly packing my things, looking for something better.