Realize This

And don't take these moments for granted.

I am always complaining that I don't have a boyfriend, don't have a date for that weekend, don't have someone to hold my hand. How am I supposed to when I close myself off to people that could really matter to me, and end up not having enough of myself to give to those?

I spend so much time with Ben, always giving the best of myself to him, getting nothing in return. I end up taking the energy I have left and going home to quietly repair myself day after day. I shouldn't do this, but I just can't get over that barrier. I find it so impossible to let people truly into my life, and let them see me for what I am. I would rather stay on the surface and talk about work or culture, and the closest thing I let people see in me is through my talks about humanity or movies. How I lie, even to myself.

How long will I let this reflex continue? And when will I finally let go and let myself feel again, and maybe even trust someone for a change?