Oh no, not again.

I think I am just doing it all wrong.

I’m really not even 100% sure of what I want to do anymore. On one hand, I have slowly becoming more comfortable and entranced with Austin again. The city where I spent the better part of my college years had withered and turned into an ugly thing, full of distractions, people who didn’t know who they were past their bike handlebars, and a slew of people that were a lot of talk and no walk. After I got back from Europe, I settled in to the North side of Austin, away from traffic and away from pretention that usually comes with living in South Austin or downtown. Jake and I started using Austin for all it was good for, spending afternoons on long walks and venturing into green parts of the city that no one seemed to know about. I let my guard down, unpacked my things, and we told ourselves we would stay just as long as we wanted to.

Yet at the same time, I am ready to do more. I feel like I can do more with myself than I am currently doing, and applying myself has nothing to do with it. I am up to my arms in projects and articles I am writing and updating, and the days don’t pass by without me adding to my list without marking anything significant off. My projects are usually halfway done, and even the articles I can get printed aren’t pieces I feel I put myself into the way I want to, and usually don’t make me feel the pride I thought I would after they are posted.

And I still need to make ends meet.

Is the creative pool in Austin already tapped, or do I have my eyes so focused on my limited view around me to not see my resources all around? Should I be drilling myself to write more articles for publications just for the hell of it, or am I wasting my energy when I could be slowly getting better at the kind of writing I want to do and one day (hopefully) make a living off of?

I can feel my mind getting cloudy and cluttered again, and my ideas are becoming less and less defined. Is this not a good place for me anymore, or did I just create the same traffic jam in my brain that was knocking around inside of me for the last 2 years?