Shuffling in stained jeans

Out of my element. And let's be honest here. I want to love people. I desperately want to hug people and to love every inch of humanity. But the truth surfaces quickly, and that is that I don't like and don't trust 99% of the people I touch. But that is something I am trying to change by coming here.

I came here to see the uniqueness in all of us. To stop grinding my teeth at the selfish things we all do, and instead try to see the good in all of us, regardless of all cultures. Today we had a picnic by the lake, and ended the day by playing beach volleyball in the park, hydrating ourselves with hefeweizens and coming home to eat homemade french pizza, while I worked on my German and they worked on their English. I call that a life. And I am doing this all with a girl I met a short year ago. This girl I first met in class, and was instantly attracted to. She is energy, and she is art. It is as if someone set her body on fire, and she never even flinched. But we are utter opposites, down to the type of undergarments we wear.

Sierra and I are like a yin and yang of chaos. It is strenuous work to find the soft spot where we both meet and can relate, which takes most of my time and energy by the end of the day. But here we are, god-knows-how-many miles away from little Austin. Away from the seedy yet familiar bars in Austin. There, I can meet a new face, no matter how much dirt from the street might be covering their eyes and still leave and walk home when I get tired of smiling and nodding.

But here, I am a crutch for another person, another person who has let me down in ways I cannot put into words. And I still desperately want to see the good in her.

The scenario: Drop two crazy ladies in the middle of Europe and tell them to go- go do anything. Go get into trouble, look good, do whatever the feel- just come back home. I want to get lost here, but not for my lifetime. I want to see the life, yet not the terrible. I want to come here to connect to folks, not to despise them even more. And that is where we stand now.

Before we shipped off, Sierra joked that I would have to be the conscience between us. I would have to be the better half, the one that kept a level head and know when to say "nein." But what is a yes girl supposed to do?

So I swallowed my anxiety, looked my fear in the face and kept my plane ticket.

In a few days, we are heading by train to Amsterdam for far too many days. The same scene that sets my nerves on edge makes Sierra tremble with excitement. And this girl cannot be held back, be it yarn or chains.

In short, if you have a crazy friend, do not go to Amsterdam with her.

That is all.